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7 years

My drinking days were normal A LOT. My drinking was not always at the rock bottom stage. For years it was just there. Wine at night, cocktails at games, drinks at concerts, day drinking fun, excuses, celebrations, good days, bad days, you know how it goes. It looked a lot like a “normal day” in society. I looked happy, heck I was happy. Until I wasn’t. When was the turn? I couldn’t tell you, but it morphed into an uncontrollable downward spiral. Slowly, I came became more and more depressed, my anxiety grew, my body & face changed and then, before I knew it, I was someone I didn’t recognize. The alcohol ate away at my body and soul, crushed my confidence, and told me lies. I know, that sounds extreme and dramatic. But it’s not. It’s the absolute, one hundred percent truth. Alcohol depleted my body and corroded by brain. That is what it does, it poisons you. The more I drank to make myself “feel better,” the more I was poisoning myself. I was killing myself.  All I wanted was to be the person in “that” song, “that” movie, the person who LIVED- not just this human shell. That is what addiction does to you. You slowly dig yourself so deep, you can’t see the top- you can’t climb your way out- not until someone throws you a rope and you slowly pull yourself out. That’s the hardest part. Getting down was a whole heck of a lot easier than getting up. And sometimes on that way up, you fall, sometimes several times. But when you finally make it, when you finally grasp that foundation and put both feet down, your life really begins again. Your heart, soul and mind are open for filling again. I’ve spent 7 years back among the living and it’s been the best 7 years of my life. I wish I didn’t have to go through the struggle to appreciate my present but I’m also glad I did. My pain has morphed into strength and my sadness has turned into endless hope. I am proud to be a recovering addict, a recovering alcoholic, a recovering person. I didn’t choose this, I didn’t dream this but I’m here. And being here is exactly where I am suppose to be. Here, with my three children, my unrelenting husband, my family, my friends and all of you. Each and every one of you who have ever messaged me or stopped me on the golf course or in the grocery store to tell me your story have helped me on my journey. I am eternally grateful for our bad ass world of recovery and am so proud of each and every one of the warriors out there fighting. Keep your heads held high and don’t let anyone throw shame on you. You are strong, courageous and a bad ass motha trucker.

And for those of you who are, for lack of a better term, “normal,” but fight alongside us and grasp to understand & empathize with something that is as foreign as an alien to, THANK YOU. You all are the ones that make this fight doable. Keep supporting, keep loving, keep trying to understand. And when you don’t understand, continue to just listen and be there. We appreciate you and know you all didn’t choose this either but you did choose to stick around and help pull us back up and now walk next to us in our every day fight. No one wants to have something wrong with them. No one dreams to be an alcoholic, married to the alcoholic, parent/sibling/child/friend of alcoholic. We never wanted to be odd man out, and for a lot of us- that is or was our biggest fear- so thank you for helping us feel more “normal” along the way.

Grateful is an understatement. 

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